So far, that's all.
I learned my credit is bad today, after talking to a loan company about getting some money for a reconstructive surgery that I desperately need. Need, as in, I've nearly sliced that part of myself and cauterized it, and would have, had I been able to find a piece of metal in the house that could be heated to the proper temperature without melting. Ah, the days when I was at my worst.
It's not something I run the risk of doing now. I like to think I've gotten my head a little more clear than that.
I'm applying for other jobs to save up the money. And tempted to take an offer to do burlesque on line as a dominatrix. I say burlesque because the type of outfit I would be wearing would be more along those lines, and I would be commanding men over webcam what do to themselves. Not too glamorous, but the pay is amazing, from what I understand.
I just feel sort of exhausted. I had told myself I wouldn't be writing in any of these sorts of blogs anymore. I feel like I've been desperately grasping at straws of myself, and they've been crumbling to dust everytime my fingers lock around them.
I was in the hospital for what they suspected was a severe form of an STD, but they haven't told me what it is, yet. I don't know. Right now, I'm too tired to give a damn.
I just feel sort of empty. Alone. Solitary.
Whatever.
I don't really have it in me right now to be a good friend. Or to be a good anything. Girly seems to think otherwise. I'm a selfish person. And I close off on myself. I stop reaching out. I fold up inside, because it's the only thing I know how to do. I tried so hard to be otherwise. But it's not something that works very well.
I keep hearing the script played out in my head over and over and over again. Thoughts given voice by countless others over the years, and I try to find out why I am this way. What triggered it. This inability to connect. To care. To see when I hurt others, or the effect I have on the people around me.
It's easier, I think, to stop existing as a person of the world. To fold in, shut down, and just go through the motions. But then I hurt more people. And then I feel lost, because why are people trying to get close when I clearly don't want them to?
And then I get lonely, and reach out, and fuck up anyway.
I'm just...I don't know.
Late for work is what I am.
And this post is self pitying and pathetic.
Nothing to do now but get over it and fix it, isn't there?
So it goes.
