o9) You only live once

Call it a divine realization.
Sitting outside, the sunlight beating down on me as it slowly sets, I realized, like some people do, that you do only live once.  There is only one life.  What else are we primping for?  Waiting for?

I'm tired of living like I'm expecting judgment.  Like every day, I'm waiting for something to happen, and I'm not sure what.  Why is it wrong to starve yourself?  Why is wrong to be hungry?  Why is it wrong to smoke?

Yeah, it all will kill you.  But that's the outcome anyway.

I've tasted life, and I'm not exactly craving more.  I want to do the things again that I loved.  The things that made me feel alive.  I want the things I want, and I'm tired of fear.

I'm sick of always waiting for something to happen.

I don't know what I'm going to do from here.  I've had dreams for a while, and no way to make them real.  No way to touch on the fantasy world in my head.  I'll never be anything successful.  I'll never be anything amazing.  I've realized that in these past few years.  All these high hopes and ambitions are never going to go come to fruition.

So why not make it count?

I'm not sure how.  I'm not sure why.  I'm not sure what happens from here.

But I only live once.

And maybe it'll be forever.  And maybe I'll die tomorrow.

But I'm tired of feeling like shit.  And I'm tired of craving.

It's time to breathe again.

Sometimes I wonder why my roomies (soon-to-be) ex wife thinks he and I are fucking.  Then I stumble out of the bathroom after a badass shift at work wearing nothing but a wife beater and boyshorts, pants in hand, without a care in the world.  I don't think she realizes that it has nothing to do with wanting to sexually entice anyone, and far more to do with the fact that I fucking hate my work pants after so long. 

I'm getting my new BodyBugg strap in the mail soon.  SUPER excited!

Tomorrow is my weigh in day for the BB program, as well.  I had a complete binge day, which is fine.  I just need to be at 135.  I just weighed in at 135.2, but this morning I was 134.2.  I'm sure sleep will get me down to where I need to be.  But whatever.  I'll get to where I need to be.  The point is, last week, I weighed in at 136.2, and the week before that at 138.  And when I left The Ex, I was at 146.  So it's happening, even if I am having a hard time seeing it.

Anyway, I need to go pay attention to my dogs.  They're wriggling around and wanting love.  They missed their mommy ♥