Looked through my old before/after pictures, from 2008 to 2009. From 197 to 121. Then looked at the thinner ones. 119. 116. You could start to see the indentation under my ribs. The protrusion of hib bones.
I see myself now.
138.
A fat, gelatinous mass hiding the bones that make me pretty.
I was close to my spine peeking out.
Close to shoulder blades starting to be exposed. A mere 13 pounds from my ultimate goal.
I want to cry. To scream.
I've gone from 143 to 138.8 in around a week. But today, I had a V8, 220 cals worth of a pasta dish, and then I had a prime rib and a quarter serving of fries. The prime rib was like...800-900 calories. But I just hit my period, and it was the only thing I could think to eat. I needed the fatty meat so bad I was starting to shake. I haven't been going over around 400 calories for three days now, and with the start of my period, I have low iron, potassium, and yeah....I felt so much better, but that meal was like, at least 1000 calories. I'm at 1400. I want to cry. I want to scream. I'm so fat. I'm so fucking fat.
I wasn't supposed to relapse.
I was supposed to be ok with food.
But I wasn't supposed to get fat, either.
You can't win, can you?
Oh, Zoe. That's really black and white of you, you know that right?
ReplyDeleteBeing OK with food and making healthy choices about food and exercise are not the same thing. Yes, it's healthy to be able to say, "hey, it's alright if I eat this piece of pizza...it won't make me fat, the world won't end, I won't die." But it's not healthy to eat pizza every day or half of a pizza all by yourself, etc, etc.
Getting fat happens when you eat too much of foods you should eat only in moderation or sparingly. And you already know that coz you've worked at a gym. Exercise helps, too.
Recovery doesn't have to make you fat; recovery means having your cake, taking a reasonable sized slice out of it, eating it and enjoying it, then sharing the rest with friends.
xo