We're led to believe in the sanctity of marriage--the impugnable holiness of matrimony, relationships, and love. Told that it is what matters most. Taught by fairy tales, romance novels, fantasy novels, and even news outlets, that not only is it a requirement and force that overcomes all ailments, but a necessity for normalcy. That without a prince or princess charming, we are nothing. Worthless. Meaningless.Cinderella was nothing before she was rescued.
Snow White was a victim.
Harry Potter was only as powerful as he was because his parents loved him.
But what about when love fails?
What are we, when we are single? When our parents don't love us for who we are? What are the orphans worth, who are never loved by an adopted parent, a sibling, or genetic parentage? Who are we, when our lives become devoid of devotion, and we lose the love of even ourselves?
The truth is that love? Love is not the answer. Love is a word--a feeling. A concept. Love is something that exists only philosophy. This is not to say that there is no happily ever after. It is to say that love is a chemical reaction, and love ceases to be. There are divorces, and then those who push on, trying to maintain the false facade of affection long after the flame has died.
I believe we strive for it too young. Seek to fulfill a hole inside of ourselves created by the fantasy that we must be loved to be worth anything. And that to be loved, we must be perfect. There is no affection for those perceived to be flawed. Cinderella wasn't fat. Snow White wasn't black. Harry Potter's father never regretted him.
We must stop seeking love from others. Stop seeking love and acceptance from the world. This is not to say that we must never hope to feel it. But it is not, in all honesty, the end all and be all. It does not determine our worth. It does not determine the quality of us as human beings. What it does determine is the quality of those we surround ourselves by.If those around you do not love you, then find others who will. If your parents do not accept you, do not adore you, then feel that pain, feel that agony, commit it to memory, and then love yourself instead. It is not your fault. The flaw lies not in you, your appearance, or in whatever side of you that you believe to be broken.
We are products of nature and nurture. There are things inside of us that cannot be changed. Parts of us that will forever remain the way they are. But the rest is up to us. We have been nurtured to feel a certain way. TO believe that we must love, be loved, and that we must do it all before the age of 25. God forbid, you're unmarried by 30. There must be something horrible about you, no matter if you're a man or a woman!
We need to stop.
Stop thinking about forever.
Stop seeking validation--seeking love--from others. Basing our worth on the accolades we receive from our peers. It is all fine and dandy, but you don't receive those by craving it. You receive those by not caring.
The true meaning of success is independence. And the true worth of a person is measured only in the worth they place on themselves, and the way they live their life.
Love is secondary to who we are. Love is a beautiful thing. But Love?
Love is a feeling.
And it can only be truly understood and appreciated when we learn to love ourselves.
.
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.
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Today, I refused to eat.
I felt bad about my weight.
And yet I meant it when I looked a pretty girl I took on a date in the eyes and said, "I do have some things I want to change, but I love me. I'm happy with my body."
And I realized something.
Happiness doesn't equate to perfection, or contentment. Loving myself doesn't mean I've reached the pinnacle of thin or recovery. Love didn't cure me. My ex's love didn't cure me, and loving myself hasn't cured me.
It's taught me to be okay with where I am.
Which has permitted me the power to change what I am.
Being happy with where I am now doesn't mean I don't still want to strive for something better.
And it's nice to realize that even with my disorder, I can look in the mirror, admire my shape, and think, "Damn, I look good...."
After all, in my own mind, even perfection has room for improvement....
Bullshit.
ReplyDeleteEven if ROMANTIC love has been distorted in the media, it's been scientifically proven that babies who aren't loved fail to thrive and sometimes die.
Love is what we do. It's what we do naturally, whether we're damaged or whole, normal or abnormal, happy or unhappy.
Love is the thing we give to each other when we don't have shit else to give.
And yes, it's got limits. It doesn't cure all the things that are wrong with the world or with ourselves. But it's not supposed to.
Independence is an illusion as we're all tied up together in our lives, in our communities, in our world. We can't escape from being dependent on one another any more than we can escape being dependent on water and oxygen and sunlight.
Love doesn't have to be anything except what you're willing for it to be. It doesn't have to be a marriage and 3 kids and a volvo. It doesn't have to be perfect, either.
It is what you make of it, and that's all. So if what you've made of it thus far hasn't satisfied you, make something new.
Society doesn't determine what you choose to do or become, nor does it determine what love is or how you seek it.
Whether everyone else sees/feels the same way as you do about the importance of love is irrelevant; what's real is that love is as much a part of being alive as a steady heart beat.
Redefine it until you've found your way home.
xo
*Applause*
ReplyDeleteDamn, I've missed you.
No words but a big happy feeling of rightness when I read this post. We place far too much importance on what others think of us, when it is our own opinion of ourselves that counts the most.
The advice I plan to give my niece one day is "The secret to being happy is to not give a fuck about what gossipy shits think of you. What matters is what YOU think of yourself, and nobody else." . . . Or something like that. The eloquence subroutines need to be rewritten.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
Arohanui!