o6) 5 Pounds, New Politics, Sexual Trauma

Approx. 5 pounds lost in 7 days.
I don't feel much thinner, but there is a small measure of victory.  My clothes are fitting better.  My tummy is feeling smaller.

I've found out what my problem is when it comes to sex--it's that I am severely, truly, horribly damaged with my outlook on it.  I'm not comfortable with men, unless they're feminized.  I've had several dates and potential suitors, all of the masculine variety, but the only one I can consider dating is a male who looks very masculine, but...has sent me pictures of himself as he feels "he really is", which is dressed as woman.  A convincing woman.  And the thought of dominating him--of possessing him--of taking control, and making him fully subservient to me--spurred me on more than I ever thought it could.  What my past entails has ruined so much of traditional relationships, even in regards to women. 

I'm in my element with the other damaged, and so many of us are.  My current roommate is damaged by the same ex I have--a fellow participant in the cult.  His sex life has taken several blows due to what she put us through, and there is something infinitely comforting in having someone understand the words, "If ____ loved me, then sex wouldn't matter, would it?"

I've started another book.  This one I came up with last night at work.  It's going to be a few years in the writing.  It's a book on American Politics, and my viewpoint of it.  A Reinvention of the American Political System, if you will.  I'm going to start out by writing out my current beliefs, then I have to research the history of Democratics, Republicans, Socialists, Conservatives, and even the ancient Greeks beliefs of Civic Duty and the influence of prominent philosophers.  I also need to research the pharamceutical industries, the beef industries, food subsidies, healthcare policies and privatized hospitals, and the future of energy.

Needless to say, if I crack down, it's a good two, maybe three, years in the making.  Ugh.

The ex keeps calling me.  It's driving me up a wall.  I wake up, and the first thing i see is him, calling.  I hate waking up to that.

There is a world of words I wish to say, none of which presently rise to the occassion.  I blame exhaustion, and a severe lack of caffeine or adderall in my system.
Perhaps tomorrow will bring better results, hm?